Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their mum or another special female role model in their life. From adverts to social media posts, it can be difficult to avoid Mother’s Day and this can be a constant reminder that your mum is no longer here.
Our Full Circle partners at the peer support charity WAY Widowed and Young have some advice from their members about how they navigate difficult dates like Mother’s Day:
My daughters were 10 and 12 when my husband died, so they were old enough to understand and be proactive about Mother’s Day. I didn’t put any pressure on them to get me anything but they made me little thoughtful gifts and always bought or made me a card with some kind words.
I chose to focus on my own mum, who was also widowed. We would typically spend the day together – me, my mum and my daughters – which felt OK. I also remembered my husband’s mum on Mother’s Day and acknowledged her loss, knowing that my husband would have done something special for her.
Mother’s Day has so many layers to it – it’s unique to each family’s circumstances and can be a particularly difficult day for those who don’t have a positive relationship with their own mothers or who didn’t get the chance to become mothers themselves. Hugs to all – at the end of the day, it’s just a day, and it will pass, no matter how tough it is.
Veronica, WAY Member
When my daughter was very young, I used to make sure that one of my friends had helped her to make a card or to buy a small gift that I could open on the day. Some years, I even bought myself a box of chocolates or the flowers that I know my husband Ben would have bought for me, if he’d been alive. I generally try to avoid restaurants or shops on the day itself and go for a walk or do something nice with my daughter to celebrate how far we have come together since Ben died. Widowed parenting can be tough so any chance to celebrate your achievements is a good thing, in my opinion, even if you don’t have a chance to put your feet up!
Vicky, WAY Member
For my first Mother’s Day after Andy died, the girls made me a beautiful breakfast and then we hid away from the world in a Harry Potter cocoon. I don’t think we moved from the sofa all day.
We had visited my mother-in-law the day before with homemade cakes from the girls with the knowledge that her other children would be spending the day with her.
Colette, WAY Member
Go out for the day to a museum, park, cinema, zoo and a nice meal with mums favourite desert.
Gary, WAY Member
My daughter was not quite 2 when she lost her dad and is now 8. I’ve always worked with the nursery or school on the upcoming activities for difficult dates like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. I suggest that they let her choose whether she wants to make a Mother’s Day or Father’s Day card or something for me. If she chooses to make a Father’s Day card, then I ask if they could laminate it for her. We then get some flowers and take them with the card to the memorial garden at the local church. Apart from that we don’t make a big deal of these days. If we plan to go anywhere, I check it out first to make sure that there are no events on that might make her feel omitted, particularly on Father’s Day.
Joanne, WAY Member
I normally book our favourite pizza place and have a lovely cocktail. I still want to feel like a unit like the other families, so going out feels nice.
Erica, WAY Member
More tips from young widowed people who are part of WAY Widowed and Young’s peer support network:
“Our school changed Mother’s Day to ‘Give a gift to someone you love’ day. This was in response to our situation and equally for the children with two dads for example.”
“There is no right or wrong; do what feels right for you and your children.”
“We remember them every day. Life is hard enough so we don’t need to put ourselves through these days if they are too painful for us.”
“Being a mum is the thing I’m proudest of; I like to celebrate it because I deserve it – I organise something nice for me and the kids to make new memories.”
“We use the day to remember their Mum and go out to a place that we used to visit with her. We will share stories about them as well.”
“For me, life still goes on and it’s how we choose to show the love we have for our lost partners by being able to talk about them, acknowledge them and remember the awesome times we had.”
“I use it as a day for my kids and I to spend a little time connecting in a peaceful way.”
About WAY
The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.
Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
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