Two young boys looking at a view of Buckingham Palace - How to talk to children about the death of Queen - fas-khan-zydtqCd0T3w-unsplash

How to talk to children about the death of the Queen

You might be thinking why do I need to talk to my children about the death of the Queen? They don’t know her, so it won’t affect them. However, the death of a prominent figure can significantly affect children, as well as adults. This could be their first experience of death and they don’t really understand it or maybe they have been bereaved and this brings up those difficult feelings again. Everyone will be talking about it and there will be lots of coverage so it can really help to talk to your children about the death of the Queen.

Use clear, age-appropriate language

Although it’s tempting to use terms like ‘gone to sleep’, ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’, this can be confusing to children who often take things literally. If she’s gone to sleep, why can’t we wake her up? If she’s lost, why can’t we find her? Although they feel harsh and blunt, using words like ‘dead’, ‘died’ and ‘death’ is a lot clearer for children.

How to explain what death is

Maybe this is your child’s first experience of death and, if they are younger, they might not fully understand the concept of death. This can be confusing and frightening for them. This is a clear way to explain death to a child:

“When someone dies, their body has stopped working and they can’t be brought back to life. They are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk. When someone dies, their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, their brain stops thinking.”

You can also use examples in nature to explain death to a child, such as the difference between an insect which is alive and one which is dead. Here’s our insect activity sheet to help you.

Reassure your child

Hearing about the Queen’s death might make children worried about people around them dying. If you can, offer them reassurance but without making impossible promises.

“We are very healthy and we’re going to do all we can to keep that way, because I want to be around to [play with my great grandchildren/travel to Mars/celebrate the year 2100].”

If someone is seriously ill, then you can still offer reassurance but be honest.

“You know Dad is very ill at the moment and has an illness called cancer. The doctors are giving Dad special medicine and working very hard to make him better.”

Be honest

It’s better to be open, honest and direct with children when someone has died. In the absence of clear information children tend to ‘fill the gaps’ to try and make sense of what is happening. There will also be lots of information available to them elsewhere – on TV, online, overhearing conversations and playground talk. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse that the reality.

Let them ask questions and answer them honestly

Your child may have a lot of questions about the Queen’s death or death in general. They may ask them all at once or they may come back to you several hours or days later. Try to answer them as honestly as you can and if you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to tell them you will go away and try to find out. By letting them know they can ask questions and you will answer them, you are letting them know they can trust you to tell them the truth.

Let them know their feelings are normal

Let your child know that their feelings – anger, sadness, guilt, worry, confusion and more – are all normal reactions to hearing that someone has died. They may not be upset because they didn’t really have a connection to the Queen, and that’s fine. However, if they are upset, it’s important not to say ‘you didn’t know them so you can’t be sad’ as their connection is real to them.

How might they react?

Children experience and express grief in different ways to adults. Young children, in particular, tend to ‘jump’ in and out of their grief – like jumping in and out of a puddle. They can jump from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea the next.

Children will look to adults around them to make sense of grief and try to understand how should react. It’s ok to explore feelings with children and give them permission to explore their feelings with you. For example, if they see you upset you could say ‘I’m crying because I am sad that the Queen has died’ or ‘I’m sad because the Queen’s death has made me think about when Granny died’.

Where to get support

If your child has been bereaved or someone close to them is seriously ill, then the Queen’s death might trigger their grief. Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 or email ask@winstonswish.org. We can provide advice, support and resources.

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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