The involvement of children and young people in funerals and other rituals following a death will, of course, vary in families depending on their cultural and religious beliefs, but it can help children if they can see for themselves rather than let their imaginations run riot.
From conversations with bereaved children and young people we have supported at Winston’s Wish, we know that they value the chance to choose whether or not to attend the funeral.
Give them plenty of information about the funeral
To help a child or young person decide whether or not to attend a funeral make sure you talk to them about what is involved. Give them clear and detailed information about what will happen; this will involve explanations about the difference between, for example, burials and cremations.
If it fits with your own beliefs, it will help if the child has had some preparation about the difference between the body of the person and the part that made them who they were. Some people call this a soul, or a spirit, or love, or ‘what was special about daddy’ or ‘what we will remember about daddy’.
Offer clear and detailed explanations of what to expect from people at the funeral. Some children can be shocked that people seem to have a party after someone has died; others are upset when people say ‘How lovely to see you’. Explain that this doesn’t mean that these people are happy that the person has died – they’re just the sort of things that adults say. Equally, seeing adults in deep distress may alarm children but preparation beforehand will help them understand that his is a reasonable response to the huge thing that has happened.
Prepare them for some of the things that adults may say to them. For example, boys may be told that they are the ‘man of the house now’ and they will need to know that they are not.
Give them plenty of reassurance
Let them know that they can change their minds – at any time. Check that they are happy with the choice they’ve made – but not too often. Because children want to please and may say what they think you want them to say.
Give plenty of reassurance that they can still be involved and participate in saying ‘goodbye’ even if they choose not to attend and that they won’t be criticised if they don’t go to the funeral.
Give reassurance that the person who has died can no longer feel anything, so they will not feel the flames nor will they be scared at being buried. Reassure them that it is all of the body of the person who has died that is being buried or cremated. Some younger children are confused and wonder what happens to the head, arms and legs.
Make arrangements for the day
Have someone with whom the child feels secure to act as their supporter for the funeral. This may be an aunt or uncle or one of your best friends. This allows you to be fully present at the funeral for your own sake.
Create opportunities to be involved. This may be in the planning of the funeral service. It may be through saying or reading or writing something about the person who has died. It may be through choosing a particular piece of music. They may wish for something special to be put in the coffin, for example, a picture or something linked to a memory.
Other articles you might find helpful
Should children view a body?
Advice from our team on talking to children about seeing the body of a loved one and ways you can prepare them.
How to help children understand grief
A simple way to explain grief and how it changes over time to bereaved children and young people.