For children and young people whose mum has died, Mother’s Day can be a difficult day. As with other significant days, it can be a time when your grief is brought to the surface, your emotions are heightened, and they are constantly reminded that their mum is no longer there.
We asked bereaved young people we have supported and our social media supporters what they do on Mother’s Day and their advice to others. These are just ideas, do whatever feels right to you.
1. Do whatever you want. No pressure, no expectations.
For some people, it will be a sad day, for others it may be a happy day, and some people will feel neither happy nor sad. For some people, it will be a day to remember your mum while others may want to avoid it, and each year may feel different. Allow yourself to do whatever feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way to feel and there is no right or wrong way to spend the day.
I think it is important to remember that just because it is labelled as ‘Mother’s Day’, it doesn’t mean that you have to be sad. Grief is not linear, you will never just be sad about missing that person on anniversaries or special occasions. Allow yourself to do whatever you feel on the day. If you want to ignore it altogether, there is nothing wrong with that, and if you want to honour it then do. If you are feeling low about it, then allow yourself to be sad and miss her.
Teigan
Do whatever you need on the day. Some years I’ve spent it with friends and their mums, my aunt or by myself. There is no right or wrong way to spend the day when your mum isn’t here.
Ann
2. Do things that remind you of your mum on Mother’s Day
If you feel able, you could take some time remember your mum on Mother’s Day. A good way to do this can be eating their favourite dinner, listening to their favourite music, or doing an activity that they enjoyed or you used to do together.
Another way we coped in the earlier days was by having a special vase with her favourite flowers out on the day. This made her feel closer and most importantly, it made me feel like I still had a mummy because some days feeling motherless is unbearable.
Phoebe
Try and remember your mum for all the good bits. Sometimes it is hard not to just focus on the negatives, or difficult memories. I think thinking of some of your favourite memories can be really helpful.
Teigan
3. Buy or make a Mother’s Day card to remember your mum
Your instinct might be to avoid the rows of Mother’s Day cards in the shops, and that’s perfectly fine. However, some bereaved people like to buy or make a Mother’s Day card for their mum. It can be an opportunity to remember your mum. You could write her a message and maybe put the card on her grave, a special place or display it in your home, or you could keep it in a memory box.
In the lead up to Mother’s Day, card shops are like the worst enemy until I realised, I could still buy a card. I can’t give it to my mum and her grave is in another country, but I can still choose a card that allows me to think about her and what she likes, and I can write a message to her. This makes the card shops a little less bad.
Ann
Buy the card. Really, I mean it. Buy the Mother’s Day card. You still have a mum. She’s just not here in the physical realm. Write whatever your soul desires onto that page. Your love for your mum, the memories, an update on your life. Post it, burn it, stuff it at the back of your bedside table, wherever you want it to go. I write to my mum every year. Wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day. Because she was and is the greatest woman in my life. How could I not?
Amber
My mum passed away when I was four, I always write her a card and arrange for it to be added to her grave.
Chris
4. Talk about your mum
Mother’s Day can be a good opportunity to talk about your mum. You could talk to your family, your friends or people who knew your mum. You could talk about your memories or ask people about their memories of your mum – you might learn things you didn’t know before such as what she was like at school or the worst birthday present she ever bought.
Talking is something else that has helped me. I’ll talk when I’m sad, when I’m angry, happy, or simply hurting… Talking helps me keep her alive, it helps me feel like she was once real, and it makes me feel like I’m human and I am just grieving and that’s ok.
Phoebe
It’s okay to mention your mum to others, what she was like, what you liked about her. Sometimes people are worried to ask because they don’t want to upset you but it’s okay to speak about her!
Ann
5. Avoid social media on Mother’s Day
It can feel like you are being bombarded with social media posts of your friends and their mums or from companies selling Mother’s Day gifts. So, some young people find it helpful to avoid social media on Mother’s Day. A number of companies also now give you the option to opt out of marketing emails for Mother’s Day.
Don’t put yourself through the suffering of viewing everyone’s lovely Mother’s Day Instagram and Facebook posts. I tormented myself with it for years. Lock the phone away for the day if it hurts too much.
Amber
I sometimes try and not look on social media on this day as I think it can be hard to see others with their mothers. I don’t think I can ever explain the heart wrenching feeling of scrolling through Facebook on Mother’s Day looking at all the posts of people wishing their mums the best Mother’s Day.
Teigan
Limit social media on the day, it can be intense. Check out accounts that get the loss, so you feel less alone.
Ann
6. Celebrate other important people in your life on Mother’s Day
You could use Mother’s Day as a time to celebrate the other important people in your life, whether that’s your other parent, a step-mum, auntie, grandma, sister, or friend. Maybe, buy or make them a card, get them a present or take the opportunity to tell them how special they are.
We celebrate nana and grandma.
I know I’m one of the lucky ones with a beautiful dad – he is my best friend, my father and, in so many ways, he has been my mother too. He’s done everything he can to help keep her alive within me and for that I am so grateful – so for me, I celebrate him on Mother’s Day.
Phoebe
Where to get support
If you are a grieving young person who is struggling with your grief, or you’re an adult supporting a bereaved child or young person, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.
If you’d like to remember your mum and support Winston’s Wish at the same time, why not create her own special online dedication here.
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